Prophecy

Three rows ahead of her was a family.

Daddy held his baby girl on his chest, her head cradled on his shoulder.

Mommy was just a seat away—just close enough for Baby Girl to reach out to her.

And her tiny hand gently closed around a curl.  Just long enough to lift it, and let it drop.

And she did it again.

Lift.  Drop.

Lift.  Drop.

Lift.  Drop.

She did this several times, and Mommy answered her delicate baby-caresses with a simple kiss.

The soul of the woman behind them ached.

She would have had girl, she was sure.  But, in this moment, her arms were empty.  Her spirit was weak.  And her heart broken.

She prayed to God to remove her sorrow as she watched in simple admiration the picture of a family.

Held On

God, relieve my anger, the tension

Let me relent and rely on you

To soothe, to pray, to be

The thing that saves

Pour life in me

Gives me rest, give me hope

Keep me near, oh

God, I pray, never let me see the day this day old hate consumes my soul

Let it let me let it go

Remove the anger, the anguish, the hurt in my heart

Those who have passed have done their part

Like leaves in the fall, let them leave me

Take these bitter pains and these memories

The haunting hurt, the games, the lies

And soothe the sadness still creeping inside

Years may pass, and I may struggle

To hold you in my heart’s deepest trouble

But you’ll be there, and I will, too,

For there is nothing you won’t see me through

The darkest days are not dark at all

Those falls I fell to heed your call

Were steps I took to be with you

In all my days to see it through

I do not have a God who leaves

But one who stays, a Father be

You are to me, I will hold on

The hurt will pass, but your love lives on

Lives on in my heart, my heart meant for you

In all my days, You see me through

                              9.28.11

29 in 26

 I know that if we give this a little time

It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find

It's never felt so real, no, it's never felt so right

Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum

Last Sunday a group of girls met to listen to this sermon.  Somewhere in the discussion, a horrifying image arose.  The image was this:

You’re standing at the altar.  You see your handsome husband.  But behind him, you see a multitude of women holding hands and looking over his shoulder.  Who are they?  He answers by saying, “They’re my baggage.  They come with me.”

Terrifying, right?  For me, it was.  This week, I sat down, journal in hand, and measured my life.

Not by years, but by men.

Twenty-six years old.

Twenty-nine men.

 That averages out to more than a man a year.

I listed name by name each boyfriend, each kiss, each relational experience.

And then I looked at each relationship, calculating the pace.  Man, Speed Racer.  Every relationship lit quickly, each dying out quicker than the last.

“The problem of premature commitment and over-involvement in a dating relationship is a common one.” Boundaries in Dating, Dr. John Townsend

Yeah, talk about common, Dr. Townsend—it’s been the common denominator in my life since age fourteen.  Even from the start, my perception of love was way off.  I searched for love to fill me, to validate me.

Loneliness is one of the most painful yet necessary experiences in life. People feel incomplete, empty, or even starving inside. It is also a strong motivating force, just as food hunger is. Loneliness can make us do almost anything to fill up the hole inside. It is easy to see how, when you find someone you are drawn to, you can quickly fill your life up with that person.

God has really been working on my heart lately when it comes to relationships.  He’s trying to change my heart to understand the makeup of a healthy relationship between me and men.  Some good points:

·         Dating is not the kind of relationship that cures loneliness, and that is the real problem here. Relationships that resolve loneliness must have certain elements, such as safety, unconditional love, and deep commitment. These elements help the person take in the love they need, get connected to life, and stay in relationship. Dating does not have those elements. At least at first, it is exploratory and low-commitment in nature. So lonely people often get deeply and quickly connected to someone. Then, when conflicts arise, they are devastated because they invest such deep parts of their hearts and souls in the relationship.  If you are getting too close, too soon out of loneliness, use it as a signal to get connected with some good, solid, non-dating relationships. Deal with loneliness before it backfires on you.

·         Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it’s worth it.

·         For example, when you pace your relationship, you are giving up things you would like now for a greater benefit later. You are tolerating delay of gratification, experiencing frustration, and learning patience. You are learning to care for a person who does not belong to you yet, which is an anxiety-provoking situation.

·         Basically, taking time in your dating relationship helps you clarify the distinction between need and love. Both are about seeking relationship, and both are good aspects of life, but are often confused.  Need seeks closeness to fill up our deficits, such as loneliness, dependency, or powerlessness. Love seeks closeness for its own sake, known that the other person benefits from the relationship.

An idiot does the same thing expecting different results.  God, I don’t want to be an idiot anymore…  Please make me patient with the process of love, and be able to be happy and satisfied to experience its growth day by day.

Taking Time

And I fell down to you in a parachute

Of newspaper, rubber bands, tape, and glue

So you would see I would do anything for you

Anything for You, Brendan James

Yup, I did the whole Match.com thing.  Look at what it got me.  Just another picture to burn.

I didn’t take the time to get to know the person I was dating before we started dating, and all too soon, it was all too late, and too far gone.  I was dating for marriage, but who I was dating was not marriage material.

After the break-up, I read Falling in Love for All theRight Reasons by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the founder of eHarmony.  He says this about marriage:

“…I’m convinced that the selection of a marriage partner is the most important, far-reaching decision you will ever make.  Let me tell you why.  For the rest of your life, every day, you will wake up with this person; much of your day will revolve around this person in one way or another, whether you are at work or at home.  You will come home to this person, eat dinner with this person, sit and talk with this person and, hopefully, you will go to bed with this person.  When you wake up in the morning, this person will still be there!  You will have a lot of thoughts about this person all day long, because this person and you will have numerous things in common, including your children, your money, your plans about your careers, and plans about your retirement.  Think about that.  One person…for the rest of your life!  That’s a lot of togetherness!  Yet that’s what marriage is supposed to be, and that’s what marriage can be, if you select the correct partner.  It is such an important decision that it should be made with great clarity and with as much wisdom, insight, and expertise as you can muster.”

Before reading his book, I assumed all dating sites had the same setup.  Post a picture, wait for the e-mails to roll in, find a hot guy, and BAM.  Relationship.  Pretty superficial, right?  Well, that’s how the world of dating goes in the world.  Experience and spirituality have taught me there’s more to a relationship than just physical chemistry.  And so eHarmony has a personality survey.  It can take anywhere from 2 hours to a day to complete.

Seems overwhelming, right?  But it made sense to me.  There is a definite correlation between time and investment.  

“We quickly discovered that the length of our questionnaire did not deter serious, marriage-minded singles. In fact, the sheer size of the questionnaire did several positive things for us…the mass of questions automatically filtered out men who were not interested in pursuing a serious relationship that could culminate in marriage.  Someone just looking for a date on Saturday night would not usually be willing to spend the time and effort to complete the huge questionnaire.  Other Internet sites provide quick ‘get a date’ services; eHarmony does not.”

A guy just looking for a date on Saturday night will leave a girl alone if she declines.  Why?  Because there are a billion other girls he can ask out.  If he just wants a fling, it won’t matter if she says no, because he’ll move onto the next honey.  Not wanting to invest, he won't spend the time.

A man who’s interested in your heart, however, he’s going to pursue you.  A time-conflict will not deter him.  Plans with family or friends will not deter him.  A slow walk down the path of friendship will surely not deter him.

A man who wants you, truly, will take his time getting to know you.  If he doesn’t take the time to get to know you, red flag.  If the only compliment he can give you is, “You’re beautiful” or “sexy” or “gorgeous,” red flag. If he doesn’t call you again when you don’t give it up, red flag. Take that red flag, and MOVE ON—run!

If you don’t trust God to bring you a man who is going to love you with a biblical love, you are bound to be screwed trying to find it yourself.

“Remember, a bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.  Better to be single than to be married to the wrong person.  Don’t settle for second best; stop at nothing less than the love of your life—your soul mate.”

“A soul mate is to his or her soul mate as a Mercedes Benz automobile door is to the Mercedes auto frame…you wouldn’t want to put a Chrysler door on a Mercedes car.”

Oh, Happy Day

"You look like you're enjoying your walk," he called as he opened his car door.

He didn't know me, but I knew him.  We had met nine months ago during my first visit to The Gathering—the beginning of my new life.

I recognized his face immediately, but knew there was no recognition in his tone, just friendliness in reaction to him catching a silly girl smiling at the sun shining on her shoulders after Sunday service.  It was fitting that he didn't recognize me.  The girl he met almost a year ago was not who he saw smiling today.

"Yeah..." I grinned, musing.  "It is a nice day."

I kept walking until I found myself sitting on the bleachers across the field from the school.

For just a moment, I sat.  I enjoyed the cool autumn breeze against my skin.  I watched cars exiting the parking lot.  I listened as people laughed in the distance.  So much beauty in the world, I thought.

I relished the time I had to myself, reliving the last ten months.  Ten months of loneliness.  Ten months of sadness.  Ten months of homelessness.  Ten months of patience.

Ten months of absolute struggle.

And there I was.

So heartily content.

A whole new life ahead of me.  A whole new girl.  An entirely new love.

There is so much more for us than what this world has for us.  If we're not too quick to concede to its pressures, oh, the beauty we can behold.  To be saved, to be loved...God's love and our salvation are the greatest beauties of all.  Any pain we feel here is well worthwhile, right, Job?

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong. Job 1:21-22

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

Growing Up Gomer

There's no need to beg, babe, that's my open pocket

You take the money from me, I can scrounge

Gave me a fever that will not come down—oh babe!

You're a young woman cast aside, ostracized

Left on the sidewalk of my lonely life

Young Love, Gavin Degraw

Read.

Yeah, I could read, but today’s such a nice day, God…I have so many things to do.

Read.

God, I don’t really feel up to it.

Read, read, read.

No.

READ.

God spoke very clearly to me this morning.

When I first heard of the story of Hosea many months ago, I identified with it immediately.  I never read it firsthand, and after the struggles of this last week it sounded as if God knew what I needed.

In bed, doggies cuddled up next to me, I opened my Bible and began to read.

And then began to sniffle.

And then began to sob.

I really felt God speaking to me.  It broke and shattered and healed my heart all simultaneously.

For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’ Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.  She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’ 2:5-7

Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand. 2:10

My life spread before me, I wept.  It was surreal to see my entire story summed up in a few lines.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.  And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.  And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.  And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal’…and I will make you lie down in safety.  And I will betroth you to me forever.  I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.  I will betroth you to me in faithfulness.  And you shall know the Lord.” 2:14-16, 19-20

This last set of lines struck my heart the most.  It felt like a promise from God—a promise that one day I would have the desires of my heart.   In that moment, I felt the relief and peace for which I had been waiting a long time.  Mostly, I had an overwhelming gratefulness for Him and a renewed sense of appreciation for my stained past, a past that only He could redeem.

Never

When you was just a youngin' your looks were so precious
But now you’re grown up
So fly it's like a blessing but you can't have a man look at you for five seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself, so when you got older
It's seems like you came back ten times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulders

How to Love, Lil Wayne

Growing up of the world, women learn to barter.

Our body becomes a form of currency.

A little action here, a lot of beauty, we're taught that the result is love.  Worldly love, of course, so it's not real love at all.  But it's the most real love we come to know.

At an early age, I was desperate to be beautiful.

The bullying began in third grade.  I was never pretty enough.

It continued on to tenth grade.  I could never be pretty enough.

And even now, in my mind, because of the lies of the world, I will never feel pretty enough.

This has been so long ingrained in me I have to fight daily to find my worth in Christ, and not in my flesh.  It seems like a losing battle though, as every day I wake up and so desperately search for beauty.  My hair, my make-up, my clothes, my body—I long to be accepted.  And, honestly, as I’ve gotten older, matured, the world has come to accept me.

Daily, I have old men gawk at me from behind the counter at work.  They stare at my breasts.  Young guys look me up and down.  It’s twisted, really.  Inside of me is a tiny sense of satisfaction swirled with mounting disgust in myself.  The desire to be beautiful has cultivated a vicious cycle—and one I don't know how to break.  I want to be beautiful; men in turn do look at me; I feel disgusted and responsible; and then I feel guilty and even more ugly, which leads me striving even more to be beautiful.

But this is what I wanted, right? I think, confused.  I want to be beautiful.  I want attention.  I want to be accepted.

So why do I feel so dirty?  So empty…

Men flirt with me.  They undress me with their eyes before they even know my name.  Married men forget their vows.  Young Christian men forget to flee from temptation.

Sometimes, honestly, I feel like a whore.  Jesus, I’m a whore.  I’m Gomer.  I don’t know what real love is, I run from it, I run from You, and I find what I think is love.  A friend just introduced me to Courtney Stodden, a mixed up 16 year old girl.  We women are so messed up.

As every day passes, my fight becomes desperate to feel my worth in Christ.  I fight to be filled with Him.  I am somebody’s future wife.  I am someone’s special person.  I…am so confused.

A long time ago I wrote this post.  I’m still searching for this man.  I’m still searching for the man who doesn’t treat me like an object.  I’m searching for the man who doesn’t find his worth in me, in bedding me, in throwing me away…

God, help me find balance.  I don’t want to be empty anymore.  And I definitely don’t want to be disrespected anymore.  Let people see me for my heart.  Please, God, please.  And let me see that I am beautiful to You.  Take this pain of the past from me.  And let me never have to live that way again.  Thank You, God, for loving the despicable, because that’s what I am.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Half & Half

How can I be so empty and so full at the same time?

I've been so sorrowful the last few months over the lack of community in my life.  Instead of settling, I've trusted God and have been faithful to Him.  I haven't resigned to a lackluster community or friends who won't encourage me to push toward Christ.

And it has been a lonely path.  My heart aches for friendship.

What a wonderfully overwhelming moment to sit here, read an e-mail from Tango, and cry.  Thank You, God, for giving me hope.  I'm hanging onto You and the very special people You have chosen to be in my life at this moment.  Thank You.

Grandma's Earrings

Kishiko Uyeda passed away in 1993.

My grandma was a petite Japanese woman who I loved and respected.  I know I respected her because she never had to ask twice for me to do anything.

Her curly salt and peppered hair and kind smile come to mind when I think of her now.  Her delicate fragrance stays with me, so soft and comforting.  It was a mix of powder, perfume, and her best friend, a Calico cat named Sascha.  I often remember her in her red cardigan, red apron—despite me not recalling a single meal—and red earrings.  My grandma was no stranger to fashion.  My jewelry armoire is a testament to that.

It was this year my mom sent me the wedding band given to my grandma by her husband, my grandfather, John Russo.  Also delivered were those vibrant, memorable red earrings she always wore.

Rolling my new possessions nimbly through my fingers, I found myself back in her old room, the very room that watched her fight against breast cancer.   I see the old, heavy curtains drawn tightly together; all her clothes hung in plastic bags, lining the closet; and Sascha sleeping in her bed.

Her vanity stands against the wall.  Her old make-up carries her scent.  I open her compacts just to smell her.  The shelves on either side brace a mirror that overpowers me.  Atop its filigree design, far out of reach, is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I had seen as a child.

Her rosary.

Now, growing up in a family unfamiliar and resistant to Christ, I only thought it was called a ‘rosary’ because of its color.  The pink and white swirled glass beads captivated my attention with their elusive beauty.  The necklace mesmerized me, luring me in, tempting me to touch it.

But I never did.

Instead I would sit and stare.  And wonder.  It has to be important, I thought.  No other piece of jewelry was so far out of reach.  This definitely is special, I decided.

After my grandma passed away, it was, truly, the only thing I wanted.  I never asked for it though, assuming its value was much too high for a child.  So instead I continued to sit at her vanity and gaze at it from afar.

Time passed, and soon it was months in between my visits.

In that time, my aunt began her own daycare.  Despite not seeing them, I knew she cared for several children.  My visits were met with a disheveled house, books were misplaced, toys were scattered, and a bundle of dirtied blankets and clothes filled the laundry room.  I tolerated their mess in my grandma’s home, just happy that I never had to see them.

When the day came, I wasn’t expecting it.  Visiting my aunt, I rounded the corner to my favorite room with my favorite mirror to see my favorite necklace.

My eyes rose to meet the mirror.

Vacant.

A subtle dusty outline of the rosary was the only thing that remained.

My heart panicked.  I scoured the vanity, thinking it had fallen.  I looked behind its frame, wondering if the links had come loose.  I desperately searched every corner of the room, hoping my aunt had simply moved it.

I met her in the living room.  Disguising my anxiety, I coolly asked, “You know that pretty necklace on the mirror?  Do you know where it is?”

Not sensing my inner turmoil, she answered plainly, “Oh, I gave it to Isabelle.”

Isabelle?!  One of the children at the daycare had my treasured necklace?!

I was silent, my young brain malfunctioning.

“She said she liked it,” she explained, leaving the room to clean elsewhere.

My heart sank.  It was from that moment I only went into my grandma’s room to hug Sascha, who rarely left my grandma’s bed.  Delicate, old Sascha understood what it felt like to lose something precious.

Precious.

It is challenge to think of myself as something precious to God.

He loved me before I knew Him.

It never fails to amaze me that He designed every single moment of my life, including the parts of it before I loved Him.  He was calling to my heart long before I ever knew Him.

God calls to each of us differently.  His inflections in our hearts come at different times, each of our stories personally designed.  Knowing God now, I look back at moments in my life that reflect His presence.  One of those moments was that rosary—a rosary being precious to a child who knew nothing of Him.

I wore her earrings for the first time this week.  I felt both closure and comfort, knowing, with God, there’s always a greater story.


Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you... (Isaiah 43:4)

Warriors

“We’re a battleship, not a cruise ship!” — John Bryson, Fellowship Memphis

Amen.

Gathered Thoughts

Tonight was The Gathering.

I was a little bit apprehensive walking through the doors, but my mood lightened as I entered the kitchen.

I recognized a girl.  Then another introduced herself.  Then a guy.  Then another girl.

Talking was a little awkward.  Customizing to fit into a large group was more difficult than I anticipated.  It’s been months since I’ve been in a large group.  Despite this, the night flowed smoothly.  I met new people and saw some old friends, and in each of those conversations I found hope.

Maybe this is what I’ve been needing, God.

I’m nervous, excited, hesitant, and scared.

What if this is what I’ve been looking for?

Will I know what to do when the search is over?

Commitment?  How does that work?

What if this isn’t what I’ve been looking for?

What if this is just another mislead hope?

What if I think this is, and I can’t hear God telling me no?

So many fears playing through my mind.  Before Adam and I left my apartment, I asked, “Are you sure you want to go?  We can just stay here and take a nap.”

A nap?  C’mon, Jamie!

Part of me was praying he would agree—save me from having to be outside of my comfort zone.

If it were up to me I would never leave my comfort zone.

Thankfully, it’s not.  And I had the Holy Spirit pushing me on in a multitude of ways tonight.

I sit here and thank God for the familiar faces.  For Deborah, for Lauren, and especially for Emily.  I remember months ago sitting with them as a crumbled girl in February, reading Conversation Hearts.  Seeing them tonight gave me a peace in my spirit.  I also thank God for the new faces—the people who had the courage to stick out their hands first.  August, Jazzy, Steven, Taylor, Alex, Leigh, Preston, Mercedes and Josephine.

God, I pray that You make this path clear for me.  I’ve been searching for a long time, Father, for a church to call home, for a family to welcome me in.  Please give me discernment, and let me walk away if you place it in my heart that the search must continue.  And please, if this is it, if this is home, please give me the strength to commit.  Let me fulfill your will for me.  Especially if it’s not easy.  Let me be challenged.  Let me grow.  Let me be out of my comfort zone.  Form me to Your will, so I can be a light to those whom You want me to be a light.  Please, help, God!  I need You!  And I pray for the people I talked to tonight.  I pray that my older friends are doing well.  I pray that Jazzy has an amazing trip to China.  I pray for Alex and her brother, Paul.  I pray for Leigh’s search, Preston’s transition into Memphis, and Emily’s service projects and volunteering.  Bless their paths, Lord.

Lady in Waiting

Yesterday, Pastor Bryan announced the new Connection Classes Fellowship will be offering later this month.

I’m excited about them.

I’ve been praying to God for a community and I’m hopeful that this may be a step in the right direction.

I also ran into Ashley and Meredith there, and it was really nice to see friendly, familiar faces of people who are in the same unsettled boat as me.

Tomorrow is Fellowship’s community dinner, The Gathering, for people in their twenties.  I’m praying that this will be a positive experience.

Please, God, I long for community.  I am waiting and I am hopeful that You will deliver.  Let my impatience not ruin my hopeful anticipation.  If this isn’t the community for me, let me humbly enjoy the experience and joyfully wait for the next opportunity.

Pieces of Me

It didn’t shatter in my hands like I expected.

God forced me to be in control, to work patiently and tediously through my pain.  All I wanted to do was have an emotional outburst—a two second reaction that came and went.  But God didn’t see it fit to lend me that, and instead I worked the edges of the disc back and forth systematically until I could finally tear it in half.

It was like that with each disc that followed.  Bend, bend, bend and pull, bend and pull.

The Thursday before this, I listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler.  Conviction nailed itself to the remaining pieces of my heart.

So many of you, at some point in your life, entered into some sort of shallow commitment to Christianity.  I don’t know what it was.  Maybe you were afraid of hell.  Maybe you were by your nature a conservative you so you like that moral box that you saw Christianity to be.  Maybe this is just what you do culturally and you’re a church person.  But some of you have entered into some shallow commitment to Christianity but if we could sit down and talk with one another and I could push you and have you be honest, you do not hate sin, you do not love holiness, you do not pray, you have not been transformed by the presence of God and Christianity is simply what you check on the box of religious preference in the census or when you go into the hospital.

I had been lying to myself.  The darkness was lying to me.  I believed I could be spiritually-centered despite my less-than-centered actions.  My heart did not match my character and the tension was creating a void within me.  I was separating myself from God.

I was looking down into the chasm, my feet on the edge of the cliff.  I felt as if the mountain was too steep to climb up and back into God’s arms.  And so here I hovered, in between death and life, too weak to move one direction, too scared to succumb to the other. 

It was the shaken voice of Dusty Oglesby that I heard above my fear.  An accent steeped with sorrow, and a little bit of country, met me in the chasm.  He talked of his life, his anguish, his hopelessness, and his hope.  The swelling lies within my sinful heart quieted for a moment.  Looking down into the pit of condemnation, it was his tearful recollection that acted as a rope—a tether holding me to Christ.

As the afternoon faded into a Friday evening, it was then I sat on my bedroom floor.   As I ripped apart the last piece of plastic, I sat, shaken, sad, and tearful, in front of shredded pages and shattered DVDs.  I stared at the pieces of my past that had held me captive for so long, but would never again.  In place of captivity was posted a new sensation of hope, the same that must be stationed in Dusty’s redeemed heart.

I am still a believer today of the struggles.  But today I struggle well.  And with hope...our hope does not lie in each other, but in a Savior who forgives, redeems and restores. 

Dusty Oglesby

If you think your life is beyond repair, you are wrong.  If you think it cannot be restored, you are wrong.  If you think your best days are all behind you, you are wrong.  If you think it is impossible for God to bring good out of bad, you are wrong.  Jesus Christ is in the business of restoration, reconditioning, refurbishing, renewing, and recovering that which is lost.  Jesus said, ‘I came to seek and to save that which is lost, not only you but what you have lost.’  The Bible says therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature and the old has passed away. The new has come.

Pastor Rick Warren

Jesus didn’t die to make you a better person…he died to make you completely new.

Pastor Bryan Lorritz

Dear God, You know all the frustrations in my heart.  You know all the things I thought were unfair and unrealistic, and the things I have rebelled and resisted, and do not like.  I give You all my frustration.  I want to turn all my focus from my pain to your love.  Hope returns when I remember this one thing: the Lord’s unfailing love.

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded (James 4:8).

Twice Removed

The name burned into my eyes.

Memories of the last several months flashed through my mind like an old time movie.  I recalled the anguish of my soul and hurt of my heart.  It had been a painful slough of weeks.

He was leaving soon, and soon this chapter would be completely over.

He’d be removed from my life.  And with a few simple clicks, I could start the process myself.

“Flee from temptation!” my heart cried.

And so I moved the curser over his name.

Today is fine.  Tomorrow may be a struggle.  The next day may be a war.

But God called us to fight, and so I would.

A deep relief flooded my chest as I selected ‘Remove’ and he vanished from the list.

And with that, I closed down my computer and walked away from the dark screen.

Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints…

Ephesians 6:10-18

Love is Patient

Aug 28, 10:20 am    On your way?

Aug 28, 10:22 am    Ya. Be there in 15

Aug 28, 10:23 am    What? I’ll just meet you there again

Aug 28, 10:23 am    Overslept

Aug 28, 10:24 am    Ok

Aug 28, 10:24 am    Ok

I was furious.

Late.  Again.

How could he be?

As he sat down beside me in the dark, I felt my temper burning.  I wanted to be mad, but…

…but he offered his hand.

I look over in disbelief as his open hand rested near my thigh, waiting for my hand.  My harsh demeanor crumbled at the loving proposition.

All it took was one simple gesture to ease my anger.  As I refocused myself from being upset to focusing on the sermon, the pastor and his wife began.

“Love is patient and kind,” Chris started.  Great, I thought, smirking.

“Now even this morning, okay, on your way here—and I mean you guys are coming to the late service—there’s a high degree of probably that someone in your house was impatient with someone else.   I mean, it could be a situation where one spouse was already ready and the other spouse wasn’t ready and you’re tempted to become impatient.”

Even in the dim lighting, I could see his eyes.  Our gaze met, and instantly we began laughing at each other.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:1-8).

The Looking Glass

Misery.

Mistake.

Mislead.

Misuse.

Misunderstood.

Misconduct.

Misconception.

Misfortune.

Miscarriage.

It wasn’t the call she was expecting.

The sympathetic nurse attempted to console her, “As soon as you want, you can start trying again.”

She positioned herself against the sink, the granite top acting as her only strength.

As the minutes passed she barely recognized her own reflection.  Her eyes grimaced back at her, the shadows in the mirror reflecting the darkness poisoning her heart.

A desert growing inside her; the void filled with innumerable sorrows.  Grief, guilt, distress, anger, sadness and gratitude undid her thoughts.

She watched her fingers clench and unclench, bracing herself before walking through the door, back into her world.  It would see her as the same person, but she knew nothing would be the same, her soul broken.  Her ankles were weak, but she forced a smile upon her lips.

Through the door, she walked, poised and charismatic as ever.  But though the corners of her mouth were upturned, she couldn’t escape the sadness overwhelming the deep cavity in her heart.

Yes, before the day was I am he; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand: I will work, and who shall let it? (Isaiah 43:13).

Scrapbooked

I’m really only praying the words you’ll soon be saying

Might betray the way you feel about me

But to me, coming from you

Friend is a four letter word

Friend is a Four Letter Word, Cake

In the comfort of my room, I laid my scrapbook on my bed.

Before me was a spread of memories.  The smiles of friends, past loves and former coworkers greeted me.

I ran my fingers over the glossed moments, remembering old feelings of happiness and love.  Relationships have come and gone quickly in the last few years.  Many friendships diminished.  Vanished.  Forgotten.

The word friendship symbolizes a beautiful relationship that can exist between two people, but within the word are three letters that cannot be ignored.

E.  N.  D.  End.

Many of my friendships within the last couple of months even have come to end, their chemistry changing.  Life has taken my counterparts and me down different paths.

I watched Stand By Me over the weekend.  It’s easily the male version of Now and Then.  Four young men banded together by a mission.  After their travels, Gordie Lachance says this about friendships:

As time went on, we saw less and less of Teddy and Vern until eventually they became just two more faces in the halls.  It happens sometimes.  Friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.

It happens sometimes.  It does.

People shuffle in and out of our lives, each leaving their mark on our hearts.  Even the most beautiful friendships are taken by the oceans of time, life, struggles, differences—and some simply cave in on themselves.

My eyes wandered the old pages as I reminisced, missing the familiar moments, but treasuring the time spent together.

It was then I was reminded of a quote from one of Tyler Perry’s plays that touched me very deeply:

If somebody wants to walk out of your life—let them go!  Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which.  And you’re always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everyone that comes into my life in the category of a tree.  Some people are like leaves on a tree.  When the wind blows, they’re over there…wind blow that way, they over here…they’re unstable.  When the season change they wither and die, they’re gone.  That’s all right.  Most people are like that, they’re not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then.  That’s all they can do.  But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are.  That’s all they were put to this earth to be: a leaf.

Some people are like branch on that tree.  You have to be careful with those branches, too, ‘cause they’ll fool you.  They’ll make you think they’re a good friend and they’re real strong, but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that’s like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed.  Those are the kind of people that aren’t going nowhere.  They aren’t worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don’t have to know what they’re doing for you, but if those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs.  When you get some roots, hold on to them, but the rest of it—just let it go!  Let folks go.

As Stand By Me closes, an aged Gordie notes, “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve.  Jesus, does anyone?”

Will I ever have friends again?  I’m at a standstill.  I’m praying to God for some roots.  I’d like some deep friendships.  Let the ends that have happened in my life lead to new beginnings, God.  Please bring some friends with whom I can share my life.

Nine

Second Presbyterian.  Life Church.  Independent Presbyterian.  Hope Church.  Fellowship Memphis.  Christ City.  Christ United Methodist.  The Orchard.  Highpoint.

Eight months.  Nine churches.

I have been searching for a church home since December, and have only been adamantly praying since May.  That’s when the restlessness set in, the ache of starvation and impatience.

Nine churches, each with their own styles of worship and preaching.  Overwhelmed and overstimulated, I’ve been floating along, waiting for God to point me in the right direction.  His direction.  Any direction.  I’ve been searching aimlessly, aching for that feeling of home I once felt.

What am I looking for, God?  A friend loaned me a book by Mark Dever, titled Nine Points of a Healthy Church.  The nine guidelines for a well-founded church are:

1. Expositional Preaching

2. Biblical Theology

3. The Gospel

4. A Biblical Understanding of Conversion

5. A Biblical Understanding of Evangelism

6. A Biblical Understanding of Church Membership

7. Biblical Church Discipline

8. Concern for Discipleship and Growth

9. Biblical Church Leadership

These are good, solid guidelines.  They helps give me an idea for what my eyes should be searching.  But, God, where will I find my home?

All it takes is one.  One church to call home.  One church to find family.

I noticed this poster in a McAlister's I ate at recently.  I laughed–having 'one' on my mind.  I stay faithful and trust God to provide.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32).

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his ispan of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, jeven Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these (Matthew 6:26-29).

Better Days

I don’t even know what song was being sung, but we rejoiced.

We cheered as the Goo Goo Dolls pushed through the sudden downpour.

My love’s arms stretch out above me, shielding us from the cold rain with a tablecloth.

My heart was light in its fullness.  In that moment, I felt all God had ever meant for me.

We listened to the band’s final song as most of the audience disbanded.

The crowd cheered, and I smiled at him.  We kissed.

It was one of the sweetest moments of my life.  And if Heaven is a million times better, I can only anticipate my arrival in God’s gracious court.

For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life (Romans 5:10).

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:13).

Case of the Ex

But you don’t know what you don’t know

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city

And all you’re ever going to be is mean

Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me

And all you’re ever going to be is mean

Mean, Taylor Swift

As he picked up his phone, I instinctively knew who was on the opposite end.  My spirit was tested immediately.  It is in these moments of unfavorable conditions that surely test character.

In The Purpose-Driven Life, Rick Warren writes:

God uses the opposite situation of each fruit to allow us a choice.  You can’t claim to be good if you’ve never been tempted to be bad.  You can’t claim to be faithful if you’ve never had the opportunity to be unfaithful.  Integrity is built by defeating the temptation to be dishonest; humility grows when we refuse to be prideful; and endurance develops every time you reject the temptation to give up.  Every time you defeat a temptation, you become more like Jesus.

Endurance is a long word with a heavy weight.  Grace and patience are also heavy.  Lord, give me the strength to carry the weight.  Let me wear forgiveness and humility on my heart, despite—in spite of—no, for them.  Let me not be self-righteous.

Hebrews 12:14

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Romans 12:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…

Luke 6:27-31

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Hebrews 10:36

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

James 1:12-18

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.  When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.  Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

Dear God, in my broken heart, let me persevere.  Let me be filled with You, so that I may be a kind of firstfruits to others in his life.  Let me feel hope.

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

It’s always been about me, myself and I

I thought relationships were nothing but a waste of time

I never wanted to be anybody’s other half

I was happy saying I had love that wouldn’t last

That was the only way I knew till I met you

I Do, Colbie Calliet

I held his hand while the preacher spoke of love and fidelity.

The evening sun lit the beautiful chapel, but it paled compared to his golden eyes.  I breathed in the moment and let myself drift, and as I did, the words of a coworker resounded in my thoughts.

“The way it’ll work out, you’ll probably be in love and married in five months,” she smiled as she left the office that day in February.

I never fathomed the reality of her words until—four months to the day—I found myself in love and dressed in formal wear.

“…forsaking all others,” I squeezed his hand.  “I choose you this day and every day.”

I laid my head on his shoulder, thanking God for the impossible.

I thought no one would ever love me again, and yet, here we were, two silly, young kids in love.

I felt the truth of what love could mean, and I nestled comfortably into him as we watched his two friends tie the knot.

I Knew, Anew

Too long I have lived in the shadows of shame

Believing that there was no way I could change

But The One who is making everything new

Doesn’t see me the way that I do

I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new

Dead to the old man, I’m coming alive

I Am New, Jason Grey

August 22, 2010.

I stood in a house with a group of people in a relationship on a street in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

July 21, 2011.

My Pontiac followed his silver Altima from Pho Saigon to a neighborhood next to the Liberty Bowl.  He pulled into the driveway of his home and I gracefully followed behind.

As my eyes traced the street I recognized the neighboring house.

I turned off the engine of my car and slowly closed the door.  My mind raced to retrace the moments inside that house—to find the girl I was a year ago, to reexamine the life that was mine then.

I remember that night as if it were yesterday.  Tory killed a moth.  I had an apple juice from Kroger.  I met Taylor for the first time.  All the girls were wearing blue.  Tabitha and Allie spoke of starting a book study.

Beneath the still waters of my smile stirred the torn current of my heart.  I was miserable.  Wracked with insecurity and sadness, I sat among fifty people, but felt indescribably lonely.

I was part of a church, but felt homeless.  I was in a relationship, but felt alone.  I was lost in a search that outweighed my own understanding.

“What is it?” he asked, walking to his front door.

“I’ve been here before,” I said.  “Do you know your neighbors?  Who lives there?”

“I don’t know, they just moved in about a month ago.”

I followed him up the stairs into his house, admiring the neighboring porch on which I had sat last summer.  It seemed no coincidence that God placed his home adjacent to a house that represented a Jamie from a different time. 

New tenants, I thought.

I imagined walking through their door, through the living room, through the kitchen and stopping at the backdoor.

I knew this house, I would think.

I know this house.  Same walls, same rooms, same stairs, same porch, same pool.  But different.

Different.

It always escapes me how much can change within a year.  Within a month.  Within a week.  But God always gently reminds me that change is all around us, within us, without us—everywhere in every way.

As I thought of that house, a fondness grew within me.  I remembered the girl I once was, and where I once stood.  I admired her and prayed for her, and hurt with her, and rejoiced with her.

God tore away at the misplaced things within her.  He ripped away the poison, banded the broken beams, painted the walls with hope, and filled the empty rooms with His gifts.

I suddenly dreamed of her inviting me in.  Walls that shimmered with the touch of His love brightened her eyes.  Her closest and most genuine friends lined the walls, smiles upon their faces.  Her brokenness bandaged, she trusted and relied on her Landlord to tend to her.

A completely different space.

A different girl.

Hours later, when I departed from my friend, I looked at the old house with the new tenants.  And smiled.

Appreciation rose and my heart pounded with praise.

Anew.