I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we
wanna find
It's never felt so real, no, it's never felt
so right
Just a Kiss, Lady Antebellum
Last Sunday a group of girls met to listen to this sermon. Somewhere in the discussion, a
horrifying image arose. The image was this:
You’re standing at the altar. You see your handsome husband. But behind him, you see a multitude of women
holding hands and looking over his shoulder. Who are they? He answers by
saying, “They’re my baggage. They come
with me.”
Terrifying, right?
For me, it was. This week, I sat
down, journal in hand, and measured my life.
Not by years, but by men.
Twenty-six years old.
Twenty-nine men.
That averages out
to more than a man a year.
I listed name by name each boyfriend, each kiss, each
relational experience.
And then I looked at each relationship, calculating the
pace. Man, Speed Racer. Every relationship lit quickly, each dying
out quicker than the last.
“The problem of premature
commitment and over-involvement in a dating relationship is a common one.”
Boundaries in Dating, Dr. John Townsend
Yeah, talk about common, Dr. Townsend—it’s been the
common denominator in my life since age fourteen. Even from the start, my perception of love
was way off. I searched for love to fill
me, to validate me.
Loneliness is one of the most
painful yet necessary experiences in life. People feel incomplete, empty, or
even starving inside. It is also a strong motivating force, just as food hunger
is. Loneliness can make us do almost anything to fill up the hole inside. It is
easy to see how, when you find someone you are drawn to, you can quickly fill
your life up with that person.
God has really been working on my heart lately when it
comes to relationships. He’s trying to
change my heart to understand the makeup of a healthy relationship between me
and men. Some good points:
·
Dating is not the kind of relationship that
cures loneliness, and that is the real problem here. Relationships that resolve
loneliness must have certain elements, such as safety, unconditional love, and
deep commitment. These elements help the person take in the love they need, get
connected to life, and stay in relationship. Dating does not have those
elements. At least at first, it is exploratory and low-commitment in nature. So
lonely people often get deeply and quickly connected to someone. Then, when
conflicts arise, they are devastated because they invest such deep parts of
their hearts and souls in the relationship.
If you are getting too close, too soon out of loneliness, use it as a
signal to get connected with some good, solid, non-dating relationships. Deal
with loneliness before it backfires on you.
·
Remember that quick, intense relationships often
end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no
shortcut, but it’s worth it.
·
For example, when you pace your relationship,
you are giving up things you would like now for a greater benefit later. You
are tolerating delay of gratification, experiencing frustration, and learning patience.
You are learning to care for a person who does not belong to you yet, which is
an anxiety-provoking situation.
·
Basically, taking time in your dating
relationship helps you clarify the distinction between need and love. Both are
about seeking relationship, and both are good aspects of life, but are often
confused. Need seeks closeness to fill
up our deficits, such as loneliness, dependency, or powerlessness. Love seeks
closeness for its own sake, known that the other person benefits from the relationship.
An idiot does the same thing expecting different results. God, I don’t want to be an idiot anymore… Please make me patient with the process
of love, and be able to be happy and satisfied to experience its growth day by day.
