The Comet

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like

And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe

I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight

As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

Ever since I can remember, I’ve loved being able to drive.  It offers so much freedom to have a car, some time, and good music.  Some of my favorite memories are still crisp in my mind.

I remember my 1985 Thunderbird and my mom’s 1993 Cougar.  Those summers in California with weekend drives to Tracy were thrilling  The windows down, Kylie Minogue in the background, my hair flying in every direction – it’s a feeling I’ve held onto for many years.

However, with those highs come the lows.

For me, those lows are wet nights where the pavement glistens like black glass and the rain falls heavy, blurring the clarity of my thoughts.

I grip the steering wheel, contemplating unbuckling.  It would be so easy right now, I think.  What do I mean by that?  Just to speed off recklessly, find a turn, and just twist the wheel.

A part of me always wonders what would happen.  Would I hit the curb just right?  Would I die?  Suffer an injury instead?  Or would I emerge only with some scrapes?

In my younger years, I loved One Tree Hill, a drama on CW.  The girl I identified with was Peyton Sawyer, a lost soul.  Peyton loved an eclectic assortment of music, hated cheerleading, was very artistic, and owned a black Comet.  After losing her mother, she fell into a deep depression. 

On one episode, I watched as she drove through red light after red light.

 

"She was driving to school to pick me up. She was late, so she ran a red light. It was one light at the wrong split second and it ended for her,” she explained to Luke.  "My mom ran one red light. I run them all the time and nothing happens."

Being in a car late at night in the rain is a very scary place for me.  This is the only place that these thoughts tend to come to mind.

A car is a very unique place to feel your depression.  You feel in control, you find strength in your weakness.  But it’s a lie.

I’m fighting with these thoughts.  God, please help me with this.  I know no good can come of what I think in these particular instances.  I just feel so weak at times.  Please help me seek you.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground (Psalm 143:10).

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).