Lead My Heart

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be… (Psalm 42:4)

It was an unusually windy June day.  Grey clouds scattered the sky, casting shadows across the quiet landscape in front of me. 

It was apparent that God sensed my sadness. The wind flicked through my hair, a feeling of consolation sweeping over me.  It was like a hug. 

I watched, solemnly, tearfully, as the tail lights of the truck alit, signaling the beginning of its long trip. 

It pulled away, and a minute must have passed as I stood there, dumbfounded.  It felt like an eternity. 

They’re gone, I thought.  They’re gone?!  I panicked internally. 

I tasted adrenaline as I jumped into my car, and sped down Germantown Parkway.  My wet eyes darted from car to car, desperately searching for them. 

Two cars ahead of me, I finally saw them.  We came to a stop at a red light, and I watched from the neighboring lane as my father’s face turned from inquisition to recognition…from, “Oh, it’s a maroon Pontiac Grand Prix,” to, “Hey, it’s Jamie’s maroon Pontiac Grand Prix!” 

It was relief and joy mixed into one look, and I then knew my parents were as happy as I was that we had one more moment together. 

Lovingly, devotedly, I led them to 1-40 West. 

I led them. 

One of the most difficult things for me as a Christian is coming to terms with the fact that some people I love, I may not see again. 

One of my deepest fears is that those ‘people’ may be my parents. 

I waved and watched my parents entering 1-40 in my rearview.  I made a turn into one of the shopping centers along the way, and sobbed as their truck diminished ever so quickly in the short stretch of space.  I watched until they had completely disappeared. 

I hope that the beginning this episode is an indication – an image of potential.  Maybe I can lead my parents again.  Maybe there won’t come a time where we are forced to say goodbye. 

Mom (2:18 pm):  dad just read your beautifully written birthday card    he got choked up and teary-eyed when he got to the middle where you said you would be lost without us    you always r missed    dad and I are unable to express how proud we r of the young woman you are    we love u so much!!

My dad recently celebrated his 58th birthday.  I sent him a thoughtful card.  God gave me my parents.  He gave me my life.  He has brought me to Him in His own way.  As I said I would feel lost without my parents, I pray that my parents may feel lost without me.  May that feeling of possible loss spark intrigue and curiosity in them for the God I love so much. 

Please, dear God, open their hearts.  Please touch them.  Use me; let Your love shine so radiantly, so brightly, so hungrily through me.  Please guide me and let me shower Your grace and love that You have given so freely to me to others so that they may be touched by You. 

The Lord says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I wish advise you and watch over you’…unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord (Psalm 32:8, 10).