If ever I have doubts about God’s existence or love, He never fails to surprise me.
Only earlier today was I feeling lost. I was struggling; was it right or even sane for me to not only question my character, my soul, my essence, but to renounce it?
I didn’t care what God wanted. Was relinquishing my past in its entirety what I wanted?
I asked, and God answered tonight.
While Scott and I are devoted to the social aspects of our Young Adults Community at Hope Church in Cordova, Tennessee, it has taken months for us to be involved in it at a deeper level.
It was about a month ago that Scott was invited to attend the men’s discipleship group, and it was then I decided to join in on a Bible study. A – meaning singular, just one. Going to Bible studies is an unusual event for me, and so I was undecided about going tonight, fighting with myself over what I wanted.
Dragging myself around the apartment, I asked God, “What do You want from me tonight? Am I going, God?” I heard Him answer, “If you go tonight I promise I will give you a Word.”
And so I hesitantly trudged down the stairs of my apartment, and drove myself to the study. Brandon led tonight’s group session and together we all delved into Romans 6.
We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life (Romans 6:2-4)
God, oh dearest God, you were listening to me! You heard my lost heart and answered me.
It was sometime in 2007 when I was baptized. I remember gripping my shoulders, ready for the spiritual leaders to plunge me deep into the cold water.
Not having ever been involved in church, I was oblivious to all pillars of religion. I did not have a clear understanding on everything that a baptism symbolized.
I thought to myself, “I’m doing this, because it brings me closer to God; it closes the gap between us and it proves my love for Him.” I wasn’t told that in being baptized my former life would be buried. I didn’t realize I was starting anew!
The conflict between my new spirit and past is evident now. That part of me is dead, because Jesus Christ has given me life! A new life!
When the men pulled me to the surface, they looked at me with kind eyes. I sojourned myself from the tank to the private room backstage, unknowing of the true meaning behind what had just happened.
With the knowledge that I gained tonight, I am more ready than I was then to live for Christ. I may sadly look at my past life and wave quietly as the layers of new love fold over her, but I cannot be sad for too long, because there is a new journey at stake, and it begins today, and every day for the rest of my life.
