So, Help Me God

On Friday, there was a worship night at the church Scott and I visit.  The music was powerful and I felt surrounded by love, singing with my friends for our God.

Before it ended, there came a moment for prayer.  Feeling called, I timidly approached Rebecca and cried as I asked her to pray for me.  Feeling my heart, my desire to seek God, she offered a verse:

I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me…I said, ‘Here am I, here am I’ (Isaiah 65:1).

When I was younger, there were two things I prayed for from God:

One, I wanted Him to bring my Polly Pocket doll to life, so I could have a friend, a small confidante I could protect and love – someone to love me.

And two, I wanted Him to end my life.

This sounds like an unusual request, but from fourth grade through sophomore year of high school, I begged God to let me die.

In my youngest years, I can’t remember anyone introducing me to God, but somehow I knew He was magical.  But instead of knowing Him, I thought He was a genie, His only purpose being to serve me.  Prayer became synonymous with wishing on a star.  I believed God granted wishes.  And so I prayed.  I cried.  I pleaded.

I remember bowing down on my knees like I saw others do on TV, clasping my hands together: Please, God, don’t make me go back.  Please just kill me!  If you want to help, you’ll kill me!

I tried reasoning with Him.  I would crawl into bed, hoping He would see it my way, and let me be with Him – because whoever, whatever, wherever He was, it was definitely better than where I was.

I pray for children growing up in Stockton, California.  If ever there were a dog-eat-dog world, this is it.  San Joaquin County, where the crime rates are high and the moral code low.  As a kid, the stakes are not in your favor if you are white, poor, timid, fat – or in possession of any physical attribute that could single you out from the group.

I was an easy target.

And for seven years, kids took advantage of that.  The worst experiences of my life were bus rides home – trapped in a small space with 60 bullies.  Every day from 6:35 to 7:02 and then 2:04 to 2:40, I struggled to survive.  Imagine being weak.  Imagine hoping for suicide as a child.  Imagine being hated for everything you are – and not the tolerable hate that comes in forms of dirty looks and disgusted whispers, but the shove-you-down, kick-you-in-the-stomach, spit-in-your-hair, verbally-cut-you-down-till-your-soul-dies type.

I had no real idea of who God was, but I knew He wasn’t answering my prayers.  He never let me die, and so He let me down.  I gave up on him.  How great was God if He couldn’t grant the one wish I so desperately wanted? 

One of my only escapes then was TV, losing myself to the stories on screen.  I remember watching The Beatles battle the islanders in their movie, Help!.  I loved to sing along.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way,
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self-assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Now, at 25, I reread these lyrics to find they have never before been so appropriate.  The last few years God has been working in my life, caressing my wounds.  This is the closest I have ever let myself be with God.  I gave up on Him as a child and a teenager, thinking He was incapable.  I thought He had forsaken me.  I was determined to live my own life, to survive on my own.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze,
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.

How much strength He has given me, how much hope, how much love – how much heart He has bestowed upon me.  How far I have come on God’s path!  From resenting Him to having a casual relationship with Him and now possessing a desire not only to know Him, but to love Him – and, more magnificently, to let Him love me!

As a child, I asked my-version-of-God for a solution that never came, because it couldn’t.  Now, I thank Him for His grace, and ask for what I should’ve been asking for all along.  Help.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ‘round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

And He answers, “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13).

Kind Words

On a day I desperately needed a smile, God gave me one.

Wait!  Not just one, but several!  He blessed me with so much love today.  And I thank You, God, for each person you sent my way!

Jon (11:23 am):                  You’re a beautiful soul with a kind heart. I appreciate you so much.

Jamie (11:26 am):              Jon, I’ve had a really low past few weeks, emotionally and spiritually…You’re going to make me cry at work!  Thank you for saying that to me!  I believe the same about you!

Jon (11:06 am):                   I say what’s true. You’re a blessing to me and I want to take care of the gifts God gives me.

Out of no where I received a text message from my friend Jon.  It was so sweet to hear someone give me such a compliment.  I feel like no one notices me or my acts of kindness.  I don’t do them for recognition, but sometimes it is nice to be noticed and appreciated!

Jessica (8:34 am):              Good morning! I hope you have a wonderful day!

Jamie (9:20 am):                Thanks, Jess! I really needed that :) So happy to hear from you!

I hadn’t heard from Jessica in a long time.  It was such a great surprise to look down at my phone and see a message from her.  It was a huge blessing and I was just so touched when I read it.

Mom (11:54 am):                hang in there lil miss   I love u!

How my mom knows I’m going through a rough time I’ll never know.  I tend to keep the difficulties of my life away from my parents to keep them from worrying about me.  Whether someone told her, or she saw it online, I will never know.  But she knew I was hurting and sent some love my way.  I love my mom so much.

Rita (8:55 pm):                 Thank you so much for inviting me. I really enjoyed it. Just what I needed.

Jamie (9:39 pm):              I’m SO happy you liked it! I’m glad we got to share it :)

I invited Rita to the women’s study last night at Hope.  I wanted to bring everybody, because I thought it could help them.  It has certainly helped me and I just wanted to spread the love.  It meant a lot to me that it meant a lot to her.

Blair (1:55 pm):                   You guys have a blessed day!

Blair is a peer.  We talk when he comes to the bank to make a deposit.  A peer is an rarity at our branch, so when younger people come in, it’s almost like an instant friend.  I know nothing about Blair besides his job, so when he said this to me over the loud speaker in the drive-thru, it just brought so much joy into my heart.  To hear a person my age who is not affiliated with our young adults group was such a blessing.  It made me realize there are more Christians around than I thought.

God knew I needed love more than ever today and he sent it in the form of friends, coworkers, customers, and parents.  Today was a special day, God.  Thank You so much!

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Chris, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all (2 Corinthians 13:14).

God's Love

But if we are the Body, why aren’t His arms reaching

Why aren’t His hands healing

Why aren’t His words teaching

And if we are the Body, why aren’t His feet going

Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Growing up, I never liked him much.

I didn’t like myself much, and because he reminded me so much of myself and everything I hated, I hated him, too.  With me experiencing so much depression and anger, he received the brunt of my resentment.  The level of hostility was uncommon and I was ruthless.

It shames me greatly now to admit it.  It hurts me.  All the pain and hurt I intentionally inflicted, because I was hurting.

Now, several years later, and 2,000 miles away, we barely ever speak, but he is still so present in my life.  I think of him often, sometimes purposely, but mostly in passing random thoughts.

Walking through Barnes & Noble, seeing the Calvin & Hobbes series – a memento from our childhood, I almost broke down.  I hold so much pain and guilt over what I’ve done.

I know I can’t change anything that happened, but I see God giving me another chance.

I feel compelled to give not only the love I never received, but the love I never gave to him.

I am desperate to love people, to accept them, to comfort them, to hold out my hands.

I am so unworthy of God’s love, and yet He gives it so freely, so deeply.  I want to share it with others, especially those who may otherwise not feel it.

Christ’s love has inspired me to be a better person.  My brother has inspired me to be a better person.  I hope that he knows how much I love him.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (Romans 15:7).

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others (Philippians 2:3-4).

Lead My Heart

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be… (Psalm 42:4)

It was an unusually windy June day.  Grey clouds scattered the sky, casting shadows across the quiet landscape in front of me. 

It was apparent that God sensed my sadness. The wind flicked through my hair, a feeling of consolation sweeping over me.  It was like a hug. 

I watched, solemnly, tearfully, as the tail lights of the truck alit, signaling the beginning of its long trip. 

It pulled away, and a minute must have passed as I stood there, dumbfounded.  It felt like an eternity. 

They’re gone, I thought.  They’re gone?!  I panicked internally. 

I tasted adrenaline as I jumped into my car, and sped down Germantown Parkway.  My wet eyes darted from car to car, desperately searching for them. 

Two cars ahead of me, I finally saw them.  We came to a stop at a red light, and I watched from the neighboring lane as my father’s face turned from inquisition to recognition…from, “Oh, it’s a maroon Pontiac Grand Prix,” to, “Hey, it’s Jamie’s maroon Pontiac Grand Prix!” 

It was relief and joy mixed into one look, and I then knew my parents were as happy as I was that we had one more moment together. 

Lovingly, devotedly, I led them to 1-40 West. 

I led them. 

One of the most difficult things for me as a Christian is coming to terms with the fact that some people I love, I may not see again. 

One of my deepest fears is that those ‘people’ may be my parents. 

I waved and watched my parents entering 1-40 in my rearview.  I made a turn into one of the shopping centers along the way, and sobbed as their truck diminished ever so quickly in the short stretch of space.  I watched until they had completely disappeared. 

I hope that the beginning this episode is an indication – an image of potential.  Maybe I can lead my parents again.  Maybe there won’t come a time where we are forced to say goodbye. 

Mom (2:18 pm):  dad just read your beautifully written birthday card    he got choked up and teary-eyed when he got to the middle where you said you would be lost without us    you always r missed    dad and I are unable to express how proud we r of the young woman you are    we love u so much!!

My dad recently celebrated his 58th birthday.  I sent him a thoughtful card.  God gave me my parents.  He gave me my life.  He has brought me to Him in His own way.  As I said I would feel lost without my parents, I pray that my parents may feel lost without me.  May that feeling of possible loss spark intrigue and curiosity in them for the God I love so much. 

Please, dear God, open their hearts.  Please touch them.  Use me; let Your love shine so radiantly, so brightly, so hungrily through me.  Please guide me and let me shower Your grace and love that You have given so freely to me to others so that they may be touched by You. 

The Lord says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I wish advise you and watch over you’…unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord (Psalm 32:8, 10).

Desperate for Dad

Yesterday was my dad's 58th birthday.

Birthdays are both joyful and sorrowful.  Another year on God's beautiful earth, but another special day I am unable to spend with my parents, so I make sure to write extra-special cards.  This year's read:

July 20, 2010

Dear Daddy,

Today you turn 58 and I’m so happy you’re still around to see it!  Through the health issues and constant stress, I know you were scared, because I was scared, too.

I’m not lying when I say you’re the best daddy in the world.  With your kind and generous heart and strong-as-steel spirit, it’s no wonder I look up to you as much as I do.

Even though I don’t call every day, I think of you and mom constantly. I remember my childhood at home, vacations with you, and our last time together.  I miss you all the time, but your strength gives me strength.  Your love gives me peace.

I think of our family tree and how estranged pieces of us are.  Between fallible sisters and other members of our families that have disappeared, I am so grateful you raised me.  You made me who I am.  I, too, possess your kind heart and spirit of strength, and you have also instilled in me responsibility and accountability.  When I say I’d be lost without you and mom, I mean it.

I hope you are proud of me, because I try and make you proud.  All your gifts and lessons are irreplaceable.  You are irreplaceable.

I am my father’s daughter.  I know I’ll always be your little girl, but I hope you are comforted in knowing who you raised…a strong, smart, brave and kind woman.

My only request of you today is that you stay patient and calm when waters get rocky and insist on testing you.  I want to share many, many more years with my wonderful daddy.  Don’t aim just for 59, let’s aim for 100! :)  I want you in my life!

I love you, daddy, and wish I was there to hug you on your special day.

Love,

(Your little girl)

Jamie

Because of the two hour difference between California and Tennessee, sometimes it's difficult to reach each other.  I tried to call home three times, and finally, on the third attempt, my dad picked up.

He sounded exhausted, physically, but there was something deeper in his voice.

There was a sadness I felt as well.

Growing up nondenominational, I don't know what my parents believe.  I know my mom was baptized as a baby, but my dad seems set in his logic.

This is why I was surprised and happy when they agreed to join me at church, and even proclaimed that they enjoyed the service.  It made me feel hopefuly that maybe this earthly life would not be the only life I share with my family.

I held on to these hopes, and still do, but felt a tinge of doubt after the phone call.

"So what are you doing tonight?" he asked, seemingly out of tired obligation.
"Going to Bible study," I answered, not quite sure what would follow.

His next response was as ambivalent as it was ambiguous:

"Well, if that's something you like..."

He asked a few more questions, but the conversation didn't last much longer.

I sometimes wonder if my parents are saved, and if they're not, will the time ever come for them to be?  I want to talk to them about it, but I'm scared.  I want them to be with me forever, but more importantly I want them to know God's forgiveness and especially His love.  I'll just be patient and more persistent in prayer.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12)

Falling Short of a Sound Mind

You would think after attending a seminar led by Beth Moore, the greatest of all women’s inspirational speakers, that my head would be screwed on a little straighter.

I am selfish, I am emotional – I am insane!

“There are sixteen women up here!” Beth pointed to her mind, laughing.

It was funny, we all laughed, identifying with her, and I’m positive we all felt enlightened when we left the South Hall last night.

Enlightenment is a nice feeling, and sadly it was only temporary.

After a night of Beth telling me I had the right to a sound mind, I sat at the very crossroads she had mentioned only hours earlier.  “I could lose it, or I claim my right in Jesus Christ.”  I unfortunately ignored my teachings, and chose the former.

Fear drives us.  It shouldn’t.  God’s love should be sitting behind the wheel, but when we’re afraid we let the enemy stronghold us till we question our own sanity.  He has a lot at stake in making you doubt yourself.

In doubt, in fear, we trade power for powerlessness, love for lust, and self-control for control of others.

Standing at the crossroads, weak and fearful, I fell down the same, rocky path.  Hysteria welcomed me into its grips, jealousy patted me on the back, and insecurity nestled its way into my heart.  They greeted me happily, hungry for my discomfort and weakness.

It wasn’t until the next morning I had recuperated from that spell.  My energy drained, my happiness teetering.

“If you don’t let God heal you, you are going to self-destruct,” Beth whispered to me.  “You have the right in Christ to be a whole and healthy person…Jesus is the healer of your mind, the lover of your soul.”

One of my favorite movies is Vanilla Sky.  In it, Tom Cruz and Penelope Cruz are deeply in love, and one of my favorite quotes from this movie is:

“Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around.”

I think of this movie now, vowing that with God’s strength, I will walk down a different path – a calm one, complete with understanding and forgiveness instead of resentment and anger.

Every day is a new day, and I have been given the grace to try again.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 7)

Answered By God

If ever I have doubts about God’s existence or love, He never fails to surprise me. 

Only earlier today was I feeling lost.  I was struggling; was it right or even sane for me to not only question my character, my soul, my essence, but to renounce it? 

I didn’t care what God wanted.  Was relinquishing my past in its entirety what I wanted? 

I asked, and God answered tonight. 

While Scott and I are devoted to the social aspects of our Young Adults Community at Hope Church in Cordova, Tennessee, it has taken months for us to be involved in it at a deeper level. 

It was about a month ago that Scott was invited to attend the men’s discipleship group, and it was then I decided to join in on a Bible study. A – meaning singular, just one.  Going to Bible studies is an unusual event for me, and so I was undecided about going tonight, fighting with myself over what I wanted. 

Dragging myself around the apartment, I asked God, “What do You want from me tonight?  Am I going, God?”  I heard Him answer, “If you go tonight I promise I will give you a Word.” 

And so I hesitantly trudged down the stairs of my apartment, and drove myself to the study.  Brandon led tonight’s group session and together we all delved into Romans 6. 

We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?  We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life (Romans 6:2-4) 

God, oh dearest God, you were listening to me!  You heard my lost heart and answered me.

It was sometime in 2007 when I was baptized.  I remember gripping my shoulders, ready for the spiritual leaders to plunge me deep into the cold water. 

Not having ever been involved in church, I was oblivious to all pillars of religion.  I did not have a clear understanding on everything that a baptism symbolized.

I thought to myself, “I’m doing this, because it brings me closer to God; it closes the gap between us and it proves my love for Him.”  I wasn’t told that in being baptized my former life would be buried.  I didn’t realize I was starting anew! 

The conflict between my new spirit and past is evident now.  That part of me is dead, because Jesus Christ has given me life!  A new life! 

When the men pulled me to the surface, they looked at me with kind eyes.  I sojourned myself from the tank to the private room backstage, unknowing of the true meaning behind what had just happened. 

With the knowledge that I gained tonight, I am more ready than I was then to live for Christ.  I may sadly look at my past life and wave quietly as the layers of new love fold over her, but I cannot be sad for too long, because there is a new journey at stake, and it begins today, and every day for the rest of my life.

Spotlight

In the book of Jamie, there are four chapters:
 

I.                   Childhood in the Hood

II.                Hell Hath No Fury Like High School

III.             From West Coast to East Coast

IV.              Fighting with the God I Love

While each chapter contains mazes of emotion and confusion, it is the most recent that is so far the most epic of my time.

After 23 years of the world revolving around Jamie, the spotlight is finally and rightfully focused on God.

This is no easy feat; switching from one view to another is complicated and unnerving.  As much as I would like to claim Christianity is a suit well-fit for me, the transition is proving more difficult than I could have ever fathomed.

Sure, God’s love sounds amazing, and it is amazing, but it is also completely overwhelming.  I am struggling, almost drowning in God’s overwhelming love.  There is a spirit of hesitance, dismissal, and refusal in me.

Knowing me, it is clear why.  After 23 years of pain, loneliness, and control, how would I ever know how to accept love – much less the greatest of all love?  Love is unfamiliar, but pain – oh, pain, you are intimately known by me, familiar and therefore comfortable.

It is because my past is so comfortable and familiar that I’m struggling to let it go.  Of course it angers me now to realize how little I let God be in my life then, but I also had fun living solely for me, trying to feed myself by my own means.  Despite how self-destructive it may have been, it supplied an illusion of security and independence.  Reconciling my two lives – pre-God versus post-God – is proving impossible.  I feel like I’m giving myself up, losing myself.

I don’t know who I am anymore.  I am torn between God and myself.  There is no in-between.  There can’t be, can there?  I have to let one go for the other to grow.

In changing, I feel as though as if I have betrayed myself.  I am scared to walk with God, and scared to let go of myself – the only Jamie I have ever known.  I have traded self-gratification for God’s everlasting love, and I am so insolent as to wonder if I’m making the right choice.

Is it natural to feel this betrayal?  Must I lose the old Jamie – every piece of her – to collect my gifts as a follower of Christ?