I have always had a very clear and cut view of opposite sex friendships while dating.
I disconnect and severe most of them, and those that remain, remain topical.
Especially as we age, and the closer we become to marrying someone, I feel like it is a sign of disrespect when opposite sex friendships continue. I feel like it devalues what you find special in your spouse. An emotional bond is supposed to be singularly shared between you and your loved one.
I don’t know how other Christians feel.
I do know that I prefer to keep my friendships with men as superficial as possible – a hi, hello, weather, work related chats.
Another step I take is that when I meet a new couple I focus on the woman in the couple. I choose not to overstep my bounds in any way even if I only know them because of the man. That man is hers and I make it a point to show her I know that and there shouldn’t be a fear of me.
A Slow Boil by Melanie Chitwood
There's a familiar story about the best way to boil a frog—not something I can imagine needing to know, but it offers a good lesson. The story goes that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, his survival instincts will cause him immediately to detect the danger and he'll quickly jump out. On the other hand, if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and gradually turn the heat up to a boil, he won't recognize the threat until it's too late.
The lesson here for marriage is to be aware of gradual temperature increases. I've heard people say that an affair "just happened." That may be true in the sense that sexual sin often does not start with a blatantly willful act. A more accurate portrayal of marital infidelity would be to say that the attraction and "temperature" gradually increases the more you are around that person. In other words, affairs develop little by little.
A friendly conversation with a workmate moves to flirtatious comments. Perhaps you find yourself wondering if he finds you attractive. You look forward to your next conversation. Your talks move from chit-chat to more intimate emotional matters. The next step might be secret emails, texts, Facebook messages or phone calls. Then, like the boiling frog, you find yourself in the scalding waters of marital infidelity.
What are some safeguards you can establish to protect your marriage from gradual temperature increases? What can help you avoid being in situations that might cause you or your spouse to be tempted to be unfaithful? Here are a few suggestions:
· Avoid one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex. If work or ministry put you in this situation, limit the amount of time spent with the other person. Keep in public places. Keep your office door open.
· Avoid friendships with other men, unless the friendship includes your husband. Be aware that many affairs begin as emotionally as a connection of the heart.
· Be careful how you talk about your spouse and with whom you talk. Aim to always present your spouse in the best light. Be careful not to vent about him, especially to another man.
· Give your spouse free access to your "technology." "No secrets" is a good rule of thumb when it comes to Facebook, texts, and emails.
Truthfully, I probably would have thought this devotion was pretty extreme when I had been married only a short time. So if you're thinking that, I understand. However, after nineteen years of marriage, after researching and writing about marriage for years, and after I've seen many Christian marriages fall apart because couples failed to take preventative measures, I assure you, this is wise.
Consider the ideas presented here, pray about this issue, talk to your spouse, and establish healthy safeguards for your marriage. And I pray you never find your relationship in the boiling pot of infidelity or divorce.
Tonight on his couch, I felt fully discomforted as I listened to my boyfriend chat with his old coworker.
If you have ever wondered whether or not your close opposite-sex friendship poses a potential threat to your relationship take a few moments to answer the questions below. Read each question and then quickly and honestly record the first answer that comes to mind.
1. Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship? | □ yes | □ no |
2. Would you ever behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present? | □ yes | □ no |
3. Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex? | □ yes | □ no |
4. Do you prefer to spend time alone with your opposite-sex friend rather than in a group setting? | □ yes | □ no |
5. Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend? | □ yes | □ no |
6. Is your friend someone you would consider dating if you were single? | □ yes | □ no |
7. Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend? | □ yes | □ no |
8. Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend? | □ yes | □ no |
9. Do you think about sharing important news with your friend before your spouse? | □ yes | □ no |
10. Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other? | □ yes | □ no |
11. Do you often reference or talk about your friend with others? | □ yes | □ no |
12. Has your spouse ever expressed concern about your friendship? | □ yes | □ no |
13. Is your relationship with your friend ever a source of tension or conflict between you and your spouse? | □ yes | □ no |
14. Have you ever ignored or minimized your spouse’s requests to end or modify the relationship with your friend? | □ yes | □ no |
15. Have you ever deceived or misled your spouse about matters concerning your friendship? | □ yes | □ no |
16. Has anyone other than your spouse ever cautioned you about your opposite-sex friendship? | □ yes | □ no |
17. Do you do things with your friend that your spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing? | □ yes | □ no |
18. Does your friend fulfill needs that you wish your spouse would meet? | □ yes | □ no |
19. Do you have unexpressed or unresolved anger toward your spouse? | □ yes | □ no |
20. Does your marriage lack intimacy? | □ yes | □ no |
If you answered, “yes” to one or more of the questions above, your opposite-sex friendship poses a real threat to the quality of your relationship. It may be in the best interest of your relationship to either significantly limit or actually end your close friendship. Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse and pray that God will give you the wisdom, discernment and courage to do what is best!
It is possible for married people to have healthy opposite-sex friendships. However, special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially serve to threaten your relationship and seriously compromise your relationship with God. If you desire to make or keep your marriage strong, here are some tips for managing opposite-sex friendships in your life.
· Make your relationship with Jesus Christ your number one priority in life.
· Develop and consistently nurture a “best friend” relationship with your spouse.
· Develop and consistently nurture close same-sex friendships.
· Make sure your spouse knows your friend and is completely comfortable with the type and level of interaction you have with them.
· Honor your spouse’s wishes concerning your friendship—even if it means ending it.
· Avoid establishing close friendships with opposite sex singles.
· Avoid close opposite-sex friendships if you are struggling in your marriage relationship.
· Address unmet needs and unresolved anger in your marriage in an open, honest and timely fashion.
· Demonstrate a God-honoring character in all your relationships.
Each friendship needs to be examined individually, I know. In this unsure and confusing age of twenty-somethings, it helps to have guidelines.
It’s not something with which I feel comfortable, so I will pray for my relationship and especially me.
God, please change his heart or open his eyes to see how opposite sex friendships make me feel. Please change my heart and open it up to trust him. Let me see the integrity in the friendship. Please stay in my heart and let me focus on You as well, and find comfort in knowing that if he loves You and follows You that I do not have to focus on his fidelity. Please let me think about him and his feelings, and please let him think about my feelings. Let us both work as a team to honor each other and honor You, our Lord.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things (Philippians 4:8).
My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble (Proverbs 3:21-23).
