Credited

I signed onto MySpace last night and found I had 28 unread messages.

I scanned through and deleted most, stopping when I saw an unread message sent May 4, 2010:

A few years ago I was with a man—or really, a boy, who was verbally and physically abusive, adulterous, and financially irresponsible.  Not only could he have killed me, but he crushed my ability to trust and dug a hole of debt in my name so deep I am still not free from it almost three years later.

I stared thoughtfully at the screen.  Ironic.  Charge back?  It seemed like a mere typo initially, but I felt a meaningful message behind its misprint.

I felt a sadness wash over me—but not a sadness related to regret or even nostalgia.  For me, there has never been a moment where I wish I could go back and change that relationship or anything that came from it.  Even though the entire episode was a sad one, God gave me gave me nothing He knew I couldn’t handle.

He wishes he could charge back the hands of time.  To charge would mean to debit or take away; to charge back would mean to credit or to return.  While I would never return, I would give credit. 

I would give credit to God.

The last four years have been a long four years.  Potentially crippling, but I have endeavored.  Through the strength that God has given me, I am still alive and realized some of the purpose behind the pain.

• If I had not met my first boyfriend, I may not have moved to Memphis, the Bible Belt.
• If I had not met my second boyfriend, I may not have started working at Regions and therefore wouldn’t have had the means to move out of his house, end the relationship, and begin living on my own.
• If I had not dated the next, a practicing Jehovah’s Witness, I may not have realized how important my own religion is to me.
• And if I had not dated the last I may not have been reintroduced to God or His importance in my life

All things work together for the greater good, and these relationships are what brought me back to God.  He mapped out my life in a way He knew I would find my way back to Him.

I prayed to God that this young man would find his way and be happy.  I prayed that he would find God again.  I prayed that God would fill his heart with Him in the way that only He has filled my heart.

His message served to remind me of where I once was and where I am now.  I can appreciate the beauty of where God has led me even more today with looking in on my past—from godless to God-full.  Thank you, God, for the reminder, and for always working to bring me closer to You.  To You I give the glory.