From the Gut

This is one of the few posts I'm writing without weeks in between its beginning and publication.

I feel like I'm drowning right now.  Life is overwhelming in so many ways.

Everything is falling apart, and God is still there with me.  I feel Him.  I just don't have answers or direction.

I feel so lost and lonely.  Friends I make don't stay.  Is it me?  Do they come to know me and not like me?  They don't stay around very long, and I feel like no matter how much I try to reach out, no one is there.  Other people don't find problems making friends.  Scott was enveloped into the popular group.  The other leaders love him.  Why isn't it that easy for me?  Why am I always forgotten?  They always invite him out.  He always has friends wanting to hang out.  Why is it a struggle for me?  I put my heart on the line, but everyone's busy, or has better things to do...  I miss high school where I knew Lizzie would be there for me, always, rain or shine, boredom or business.  No one hears me.

No one hears me...  No one comments on my blog.  No one comments on my Facebook.  No one texts me. No one cares.  I see a multitude of comments back and forth on Facebooks, Twitters, and Bloggers.  But I'm of no importance.  Jesus, who am I?  I'm not good enough for anyone to love.  And yet I sit here and am forced to see people loving each other...and me fighting for attention only to not receive it.

I'm in a group, I try to speak, someone talks over me.  Someone asks my opinion, I give it, they ignore it.  Everyone ignores me.

It's not that I don't try, because deep in my heart I really do want love, attention, and affection...  I reach out, pulling back empty hands.  I want someone to reach out to me and mean it.  Not because it's their duty as a Christian, because when they do it because of that, it's fleeting.  They'll be nice for a second, make casual conversation, and then be about their way as if they've helped.  I'm lonely!  I'm dying for human interaction of a deeper kind!  Talking about the weather is not the same thing as talking about my heart...

God is there for me.  But we are supposed to have people on Earth to talk to, right?  I'm not supposed to be going through these things alone...  Why am I not important enough, God?  Why isn't anyone reaching out to me?  Why is my family so far away?  What am I still doing in Memphis?  Why am I alone?

Why?  Why?  Why?

I have no answers.  And as I sit here in this library...I know my night will end with me driving home to an empty apartment, and falling asleep alone in the darkness of my bedroom.

I'm trying...  Why isn't it getting me anywhere?

What is my gift if I'm meant to be alone the rest of my life?

God, I know You're there and that should be all that matters...but please help me not feel so alone.