Warriors

“We’re a battleship, not a cruise ship!” — John Bryson, Fellowship Memphis

Amen.

Gathered Thoughts

Tonight was The Gathering.

I was a little bit apprehensive walking through the doors, but my mood lightened as I entered the kitchen.

I recognized a girl.  Then another introduced herself.  Then a guy.  Then another girl.

Talking was a little awkward.  Customizing to fit into a large group was more difficult than I anticipated.  It’s been months since I’ve been in a large group.  Despite this, the night flowed smoothly.  I met new people and saw some old friends, and in each of those conversations I found hope.

Maybe this is what I’ve been needing, God.

I’m nervous, excited, hesitant, and scared.

What if this is what I’ve been looking for?

Will I know what to do when the search is over?

Commitment?  How does that work?

What if this isn’t what I’ve been looking for?

What if this is just another mislead hope?

What if I think this is, and I can’t hear God telling me no?

So many fears playing through my mind.  Before Adam and I left my apartment, I asked, “Are you sure you want to go?  We can just stay here and take a nap.”

A nap?  C’mon, Jamie!

Part of me was praying he would agree—save me from having to be outside of my comfort zone.

If it were up to me I would never leave my comfort zone.

Thankfully, it’s not.  And I had the Holy Spirit pushing me on in a multitude of ways tonight.

I sit here and thank God for the familiar faces.  For Deborah, for Lauren, and especially for Emily.  I remember months ago sitting with them as a crumbled girl in February, reading Conversation Hearts.  Seeing them tonight gave me a peace in my spirit.  I also thank God for the new faces—the people who had the courage to stick out their hands first.  August, Jazzy, Steven, Taylor, Alex, Leigh, Preston, Mercedes and Josephine.

God, I pray that You make this path clear for me.  I’ve been searching for a long time, Father, for a church to call home, for a family to welcome me in.  Please give me discernment, and let me walk away if you place it in my heart that the search must continue.  And please, if this is it, if this is home, please give me the strength to commit.  Let me fulfill your will for me.  Especially if it’s not easy.  Let me be challenged.  Let me grow.  Let me be out of my comfort zone.  Form me to Your will, so I can be a light to those whom You want me to be a light.  Please, help, God!  I need You!  And I pray for the people I talked to tonight.  I pray that my older friends are doing well.  I pray that Jazzy has an amazing trip to China.  I pray for Alex and her brother, Paul.  I pray for Leigh’s search, Preston’s transition into Memphis, and Emily’s service projects and volunteering.  Bless their paths, Lord.

Lady in Waiting

Yesterday, Pastor Bryan announced the new Connection Classes Fellowship will be offering later this month.

I’m excited about them.

I’ve been praying to God for a community and I’m hopeful that this may be a step in the right direction.

I also ran into Ashley and Meredith there, and it was really nice to see friendly, familiar faces of people who are in the same unsettled boat as me.

Tomorrow is Fellowship’s community dinner, The Gathering, for people in their twenties.  I’m praying that this will be a positive experience.

Please, God, I long for community.  I am waiting and I am hopeful that You will deliver.  Let my impatience not ruin my hopeful anticipation.  If this isn’t the community for me, let me humbly enjoy the experience and joyfully wait for the next opportunity.

Pieces of Me

It didn’t shatter in my hands like I expected.

God forced me to be in control, to work patiently and tediously through my pain.  All I wanted to do was have an emotional outburst—a two second reaction that came and went.  But God didn’t see it fit to lend me that, and instead I worked the edges of the disc back and forth systematically until I could finally tear it in half.

It was like that with each disc that followed.  Bend, bend, bend and pull, bend and pull.

The Thursday before this, I listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler.  Conviction nailed itself to the remaining pieces of my heart.

So many of you, at some point in your life, entered into some sort of shallow commitment to Christianity.  I don’t know what it was.  Maybe you were afraid of hell.  Maybe you were by your nature a conservative you so you like that moral box that you saw Christianity to be.  Maybe this is just what you do culturally and you’re a church person.  But some of you have entered into some shallow commitment to Christianity but if we could sit down and talk with one another and I could push you and have you be honest, you do not hate sin, you do not love holiness, you do not pray, you have not been transformed by the presence of God and Christianity is simply what you check on the box of religious preference in the census or when you go into the hospital.

I had been lying to myself.  The darkness was lying to me.  I believed I could be spiritually-centered despite my less-than-centered actions.  My heart did not match my character and the tension was creating a void within me.  I was separating myself from God.

I was looking down into the chasm, my feet on the edge of the cliff.  I felt as if the mountain was too steep to climb up and back into God’s arms.  And so here I hovered, in between death and life, too weak to move one direction, too scared to succumb to the other. 

It was the shaken voice of Dusty Oglesby that I heard above my fear.  An accent steeped with sorrow, and a little bit of country, met me in the chasm.  He talked of his life, his anguish, his hopelessness, and his hope.  The swelling lies within my sinful heart quieted for a moment.  Looking down into the pit of condemnation, it was his tearful recollection that acted as a rope—a tether holding me to Christ.

As the afternoon faded into a Friday evening, it was then I sat on my bedroom floor.   As I ripped apart the last piece of plastic, I sat, shaken, sad, and tearful, in front of shredded pages and shattered DVDs.  I stared at the pieces of my past that had held me captive for so long, but would never again.  In place of captivity was posted a new sensation of hope, the same that must be stationed in Dusty’s redeemed heart.

I am still a believer today of the struggles.  But today I struggle well.  And with hope...our hope does not lie in each other, but in a Savior who forgives, redeems and restores. 

Dusty Oglesby

If you think your life is beyond repair, you are wrong.  If you think it cannot be restored, you are wrong.  If you think your best days are all behind you, you are wrong.  If you think it is impossible for God to bring good out of bad, you are wrong.  Jesus Christ is in the business of restoration, reconditioning, refurbishing, renewing, and recovering that which is lost.  Jesus said, ‘I came to seek and to save that which is lost, not only you but what you have lost.’  The Bible says therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature and the old has passed away. The new has come.

Pastor Rick Warren

Jesus didn’t die to make you a better person…he died to make you completely new.

Pastor Bryan Lorritz

Dear God, You know all the frustrations in my heart.  You know all the things I thought were unfair and unrealistic, and the things I have rebelled and resisted, and do not like.  I give You all my frustration.  I want to turn all my focus from my pain to your love.  Hope returns when I remember this one thing: the Lord’s unfailing love.

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded (James 4:8).

Twice Removed

The name burned into my eyes.

Memories of the last several months flashed through my mind like an old time movie.  I recalled the anguish of my soul and hurt of my heart.  It had been a painful slough of weeks.

He was leaving soon, and soon this chapter would be completely over.

He’d be removed from my life.  And with a few simple clicks, I could start the process myself.

“Flee from temptation!” my heart cried.

And so I moved the curser over his name.

Today is fine.  Tomorrow may be a struggle.  The next day may be a war.

But God called us to fight, and so I would.

A deep relief flooded my chest as I selected ‘Remove’ and he vanished from the list.

And with that, I closed down my computer and walked away from the dark screen.

Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints…

Ephesians 6:10-18