I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
‘Cause after all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you starin’ at that phone in your lap
And you hopin’ but them people never call you back
What would you wish for if you had one chance
Just flip it, it said.
Nobody cares. Nobody would even miss you.
I sobbed, stationary in my lane of traffic at a red light.
There! There’s a pole. It would be quick. Just unbuckle and speed up.
I cried even louder, praying someone would save me. I secretly hoped that a driver next to me would show concern and tell me to pull over. But it never happened.
My face was fraught with tears, silent wails escaping my choked breathing. So much pain.
Instead I continued driving, tempted by the unrelenting voice.
Nobody loves you. If they did, where are they now? Too selfish to love you. Too busy to care.
It went on and on. I cried the entire trip home. I screamed. I sobbed. I scratched at my face and pulled at my hair. Miserable. Tormented. Tempted. I felt it pulling at me. In a ten minute span my thoughts raced from low to detrimental.
When I finally reached home, I parked my car, chest heaving and cheeks burning. And I screamed. I screamed as loudly as I could. To no one, to someone. To something, I cried, “Leeeeeeeeeeeave me alone! Leave me aloooone!” It escaped like a howl through clenched teeth.
I tried to be strong. My faith-bones are shattered, my soul stabbed through with thorns.
Where is my hope? Where is the love that supposed to pull me through?
I’m so alone.
I’m so alone.
I’m so lonely.
I wonder if the people who see me every day know how broken I am—how in need I am of love—of tenderness, of human compassion.
All I wanted that night was a hug. To know that someone cares. Even in the slightest. That night my heart longed for my mother’s hugs. Those are the hugs in which a person can collapse into a million, shattered pieces, but know they will be kept from slipping into oblivion. Those hugs mean you will be held together even when you can’t hold yourself anymore, because someone loves you enough to catch you.
Nobody loves you enough to catch you.
God, where are you? I feel you, I do. But it’s not the same smoldering flame it once was…now there’s only a slight whisper, a vague warmth where I once felt you.
This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ (Philippians 1:9-10).
